Top 10 Counselling Skills That Will Help You in Your Daily Life and Interpersonal Relationships

There are a bunch of skills that are extremely essential to be a successful counsellor or therapist. To be honest, these skills are not very different from the skills that people who are good at maintaining effective interpersonal relations use in their daily life. During my 1st semester of Masters, when I was being taught about the famous counselling skills that every counsellor should have, and as we started practicing these skills, I observed a change in my relations with my friends. And being a psychology student, what can I say, I think we are trained to have an optimal level of "over-not so-over-thinking". So using this acquired super power, I finally realized that the reason behind this betterment was the skills I was learning. So, let me share the top ten counselling skills, that I know will help you in your daily life and your interpersonal relationships because they have worked for me too!

10. Sense of Humour

As the age old phrase goes, "laughter is the best medicine". Indeed, it is. Having a good sense of humour is really important. There are a number of physiological benefits of laughter; for example, maintaining hormonal balance, good immune system etc. While talking about the psychological benefits of sense of humour the list might be longer. Healthy humour is one of the best ways of coping with the stresses of the day. A good joke can change your mood within seconds. Having a good sense of humour is like a win-win, you are helping your own as well as others' mental health. A good sense of humour is also helpful in maintaining good interpersonal relationships, as long as of course you are not making fun of others and this very awareness is called having a healthy sense of humour. Be careful about what you are saying shouldn't hurt someone's sentiments or it might backfire. 

In Counselling, humour is extremely helpful in creating rapport, helping clients with anxiety issues, lightening the mood after an intense session. Similarly, while generalizing this to interpersonal relations, humour can be a great way to start a new bond, or building rapport with someone. It can help you and your friends go through a rough day at work or school/college.

I remember during my school and college years, someone would crack a joke about how many assignments there are to submit or how big syllabus is to study and it would immediately set the class mood way lighter; which made it easy to concentrate. It actually helps you refresh your mind. A good sense of humour is like an f5 key for our brains.

9. Self-Awareness 

Self-awareness simply means knowing yourself. During my graduation, my psychology teacher made our class do a small activity. (You can do this activity while reading) First, she asked us to take a paper, think of someone we know closely, it can be anyone, your friend, sibling, cousin or anyone that you share a good bond with. Then she asked us to write that person's positive traits and then the negative traits. It didn't take more than 5-6 minutes for everyone to quickly scribble the positive and negative traits of or close one. Then our teacher asked us to do the same thing but this time instead of a close friend, we had to write about ourselves. It took more than 10-15 minutes for everyone to finish. The reason behind this is, lack of self-awareness. We are so busy knowing things that surround us that we forget how important it is to first know ourselves.  

Being aware about yourself, including what you like, what you don't like, the principles you live by, your feelings and emotions etc. is not only helpful in maintaining good interpersonal relationships, but are also important in decision making, goal setting, planning etc. One reason that questions like 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' or 'What have you planned for yourself?' or 'What do you want to do in life?' are most hated is because most people don't know the answer because they simply lack awareness about themselves.

If you are self-aware about the things you want, things you like etc. it is easy for you to prioritize and when you are able to prioritize, you are able to plan and then such questions seem exciting to answer rather than just dreadful. 

A simple technique to be self-aware is to take a few minutes out of your day and introspect. Sit in a comfortable corner, preferably somewhere quiet and then simply asking yourself questions like-

-If there wasn't anything like money, what would you be doing in life?

-If you had a super-power, what will that be and why?

-If you were invisible for a day, how would it be?

-What is that one thing that no one can beat you in?

-If you found the magic lamp, what will be the three wishes you would ask for and why?

-What is your favourite time of day and why?

-If you had a million-dollars, how would you spend it?

 Simply asking yourself these questions will help you become a self-aware person. In addition to asking these questions, there is one fun activity that I personally like to do. Simply think of a scenario from your favourite book or movie, and the thing about if you were a character in that scenario how you would have reacted or handled things. 

Self-awareness helps you in finding what you are good at as well the areas that you need to work on. An important aspect of self-awareness is self-acceptance which I will be discussing in the next point.

8. Genuineness

Genuineness is simply authenticity. It's a quality of being honest with who you really are. Genuineness is extremely important for good interpersonal relationships. As another age old saying goes 'Honesty is Best policy' and I totally agree with that. Genuineness protects you from all that unnecessary drama that most people consider "toxic". Being genuine about who you are, what you like, what you don't like and most importantly being genuine and honest with your feelings and emotions is the best detox.

The first step of being genuine is self-awareness and then comes even more important part that is self-acceptance. There is a theory of human psychology which talks about how humans are self-critical and hard on themselves. We set unnecessary 'shoulds' and 'musts' in our lives. We are so used to using statements like 'I should be good at xyz' or 'I should get the best scores in my class' or 'I must not cry about this' and the list goes on. These are called irrational expectations from self and life that acts as a barrier in self-acceptance. If you truly accept who you are, that's when you truly create a space for growth. It is without any doubt important to work on our negative traits but first we have to accept it and only then we can effectively work on areas that need to be worked on. Acceptance utterly important for being a genuine individual. Once you master self-acceptance, it is easy for you accept others.

The idea of being genuine might seem a little scary. For example, if someone with whom we share a close bond with unknowingly hurt us with their actions or words, very few of us will choose to sit and talk about their feelings openly. Most of us find it difficult to let our guard down and be vulnerable, however if you try it is not that scary as pretending to be someone you are not.      

7. Empathy

Empathy is more than just saying 'I can understand what you are going through'. Empathy is putting yourself in other's shoes and looking at things from their perspective. Empathizing with someone might seem difficult, however it saves us from unnecessary fights and arguments. It helps us understand what others are feeling and what is making them feel like that, and this helps us in giving an appropriate response. Empathy is a skill which can help you better understand a person.

 According to a number of research studies dedicated to study criminal minds and how they think, there was one thing that was found common in criminals; that is lack of empathy. Criminals are unable to empathize with others; hence they don't understand the depth of their actions. Hence, empathy is a skill that's important in maintenance of relationships. Studies that have shown that empathy training helped family disputes and work related conflicts. It simply enables you to feel how the other person is feeling and helps you respond accordingly that lessens the chances of a conflict.

6. Confidentiality

One of the most important skills in counselling. Skill of confidentiality is at the heart of field of therapy and counselling. You can say it is like a Day 1 lesson at shrink school. However, it is as important in daily life to respect the confidentiality as it is in counselling. It is the most important tool of trust building. And we all know trust is at the foundation of any relationship.

Maintaining confidentiality is as simple as keeping a secret. If someone has told you something is confidence, simply not going and discussing it with others is confidentiality. It sounds really simple, however when given a chance of having a crisp gossip session with tea and snacks it becomes really hard to keep that promise of 'I won't tell anyone'. 

I have numerous high school stories of broken friendships where the so called "friends" seek revenge by breaking the confidentiality. As bad as it sounds, its unseen impacts are even worse. It leads to people having a hard time trusting, building of trust issues, insecurities, feelings of embarrassment etc. can result from this.

5. Active Listening

Listening skills are at the core of counselling practice. Active listening is the foundation of every therapeutic process. It relies on the fact that most of the time all that people need is someone to talk to, someone who listens to them and make it a priority. When you make sure that you are actively listening to someone, they open up in ways you never expected. It makes the other person feel understood, valued, it makes the other person feel listened which helps in building a trusting and healthy relationship. 

The first step of active listening, is obviously, listening carefully and emphatically to what the other person is trying to say. There are certain gestures through which you can convey that you are focused and listening to the other person, such as non-verbal and verbal cues. Non-verbal cues include, nodding and mindful facial expressions. Verbal cues include verbal responses such as 'hmm', 'yeah' and 'I can understand'. 

With the help of active listening you convey that you are interested and value what your friend wants to say. This might be a small thing but it matters a lot when it comes to interpersonal relations. Using active listening will help you remember the present your wife has been hinting to get her for her birthday or what timing your husband has booked the movie show. Once you get in the habit of practicing the skill of active listening in your daily life, it will bring remarkable positive changes in your interpersonal relationships.

4. Clarifying Question

After you practice how to actively listen to someone, asking clarifying questions is the next step of having a healthy conversation. The simplest way to understand this skill is by this example. There are many times when we make certain assumptions about people and we even act on them. One of my friends used to tell me "When you assume you make 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' and our relationship" And honestly it makes a lot of sense. 

We are so used to make so many assumptions on a daily basis, our brains work like that. You are walking back home you see a couple walking while holding each other's hand and you assume that they share a romantic relationship. Now, this was a very small example and to be honest such small assumptions are not a problem. Assumptions become a problem when you start making them about people who are close to you and when you act on assumptions. This is the part where clarifying questions come in handy.

For example, you think your boyfriend cancelled plans with you to hang out with his friends? Simply ask him, politely, like, 'I have a feeling that you don't want to hang out with me because you want to hang out with your friends. Please correct me if I am wrong.' It is as simple as that. Clarifying questions have three components. First is initiation, where you use words like 'I have a feeling' or 'I feel' or 'I think' to start your conversation. Second is the body, where you state what your doubt is, like in the example I gave it was 'you don't want to hang out with me because you want to hang out with your friends'. Third is the check out, where you give the other person the benefit of the doubt by ending the statement like 'correct me if I am wrong' or 'is that right?' or 'I might be wrong, if so clarify'.

3. Patience

Just like active listening is the foundation of psychotherapy, patience is the foundation of living a nontoxic, positive and healthy life. In this era of fast-food, fast internet, fast travelling, fast delivery we have gone out of practice of being patient. Patience is an antidote to all your problems in life. As the saying goes 'Good things come to those who wait.'

Personally speaking, when I feel that situations are getting out of my hand and I start feeling anxious, I give myself two hours' time. In those two hours all I do is just try to solve problem patiently. It has always worked for me. Most of the times when we act impatiently the situation tends to get worse. But when you act patiently, you give yourself a calm space to solve whatever the problem that you are facing. And believe me, when your mind and brain is calm, it tends to be more productive. So when you face a challenging situation instead of stressing and thinking about it, give yourself two hours of time (don't check clock again and again during those two hours it might end up making you feel more stressed). Think like after these two hours you can stress or think about the worst scenarios as much as you want but in the next two hours all you are going to do is find a way out of the problem situation. This might not solve the whole problem but it will for sure give you a direction or an area to start working on.

Like every other skill, being patient is also something that comes with time. Start with small goals. Here, again, it is important for you to be self-aware of times where you act impatiently. For example, in your interpersonal relations, if someone says something hurtful, instead of reacting, take a moment out, calm yourself and then calmly start the conversation. It has been proven that teaching clients with anger and anxiety problems the skill of being patient has significantly improved their daily living.

2. Non-Judgmental Attitude

Human brain is highly developed and complex. It is like a smart organ. It learns through making judgments, hence we are in the habit of making judgments and it has been proved helpful for us. However, 'anything in excess is likely bad' is indeed true. being simply present to life's experiences without giving them a label of 'good' or 'bad' is a much more beautiful experience in itself. 

We are quick to make a judgement about ourselves as well as others. There is a concept of 'individuality' taught in psychology which simply means that none of us are the same. While reading this you might be nodding and agreeing to it, yes everyone is different. But, even after having this understanding we tend to judge. We perceive the world with our understanding of it, others do the same but their understanding is not the same as ours. We build understandings throughout life experiences and each one of us has lived a different life. As we talked about how important it is to accept oneself without judgments, similarly it is important to accept others. The worst part of judging others is we then tend to change them according to what we feel is right. 

Having a non-judgmental attitude is essentially important for a healthy life and healthy relationships. My personal mantra to stay non-judgmental is ‘They have different opinions because they have different experiences and it doesn't make any of us wrong. They are right at their place and I am right in my place.’

1. Positive Regard

This is one of the concepts that brought revolutionary changes in the field of counselling psychology. ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’ is a concept given by Carl Rogers, who believed it was the most important thing in a counselling process. When you treat your clients with positive regard they feel valued which helps the client to share freely and more comfortably. I believe it is the most important skill in daily living as well. It simply accepting the other person with positive regard. 

When you start practicing being non-judgmental towards others, treating them with positive regard becomes the next step, which is easy to achieve. Simply having a basic acceptance and respect for the other person, irrespective of what they say or do, can bring remarkable positive changes in your daily life as well as interpersonal relations. Just because someone has opinions and ways of living that differs from yours doesn’t make it okay for you to disrespect them. This skill comes in handy, especially when it’s a matter of family relations. One doesn’t choose their family according to matching opinions and similarities like we do with friends, neither can we change family like we do with friends. Hence the best way to for healthy family relations is to treat them with non-judgmental attitude and positive regard.
The best part of treating others with positive regard is, after some time you will notice it being reciprocated by others. I believe that ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’ is something all of us should practice, it is the most helpful and powerful skill to live a non-toxic life.




So these were the top ten counselling skills, that I know will help you in your daily life and your interpersonal relationships because they have worked for me too! I hope it was helpful. If you have any questions or suggestions, you can write in the comment box I'd be happy to know and answer. You can also comment in the comment box the skill you feel is most important in life.